All the time in the World...

ALL the time in the World would NEVER erase my LOVE or, the heartache.

I am NOT trying to diminish Michael’s angst or whatever he said he’s going through, on-account of me NOT telling him sooner, about my feelings for the BELLA Pearl because he has feelings, for me.  For one, I NEVER misled him or gave him mixed signals, so he’s only feeling the angst of me NOT reciprocating, the same feelings.  I understand, heartache is worse when mixed with, other elements. 

He doesn’t know the half of it about the BELLA Pearl, because I didn’t tell him everything.  My LOVE is more than the FIRST LOVE for a lot of reasons and it came with, the FIRST CUT too!  He can say I read into things and the BELLA Pearl was NOT there for me but with all due respect, he was NOT there.  I know a flirtatious gesture and I’m NOT complaining, because I liked it but only because it was with the BELLA Pearl.  Anyone else ever did that or anything remotely close, which they have, I did NOT like it.  I know the difference when someone is at least, at the bare minimum, in an area where you are a lot, it’s not a coincidence.  I mean, it even hurts me to reflect on ALL-of the places but because I’m insecure and didn’t have the means to contact them directly like they did with me, I didn’t know how to react.  But dang, I didn’t reject them, nor would I EVER reject them, so if the BELLA Pearl would have gone further either face to face or, by any other means of communication, I would have been receptive.  What is that old saying, which I NEVER really cared for, could have, would have or should have.  UGH!

I don’t think of my soon to be ex-spouse, like this. I’m NOT hurting by living in this house or, going around on Staten Island to places we’ve gone.  But this BELLA Pearl, because they are MY FIRST LOVE, which now, is moot to explain, I am FEELING the PAIN like NEVER-before.  I LOVE the BELLA Pearl so much and I don’t want to LET GO emotionally or, LET GO of seeing them the way I have been seeing them, over the last six months.  I LOVED seeing them and I LOVED the flirtatious gestures, don’t get me wrong, I ALWAYS wanted it to advance NOT END.  Although, there was a level of frustration that went along with it but, my LOVE for them ALWAYS won out.  I was happy with the way the BELLA Pearl made me feel because it took so many years, to feel it.  I was HAPPY knowing or least hoping, that they, at the bare minimum, like me or they would have NEVER done ALL of that.  WOW!  The bakery, to name one but, Richmond Terrace with the dashboard, is my favorite.  NO OTHER person has EVER made me FEEL that especially, on the heels of the flirtatious gesture.  But something about the BELLA Pearl is clearly different and they have the-ability to make me feel things, that others EVER could.  I was happy because the BELLA Pearl is different sweet, kind, an awesome personality, just BELLA, inside and out.  That is so non-existent in today’s World because people are just, NOT nice anymore.  I don’t want to LET GO of the LOVE or the BELLA person that the BELLA Pearl is and NO amount of time, will EVER erase the LOVE or, the heartache associated with it, for that matter.  Just to see them again, a chance to say good-bye, although extremely HURTFUL, is BETTER than NO closure.  GOD, why?  Why so much pain, when I FEEL so much LOVE?  I pray I’m able to concentrate with the impending Inquest Trial and my Father’s Estate, because I have to say, I’m NOT feeling anything but PAIN over and over.

Now, on top of HEARTACHE, I’m feeling an intense amount of REGRET for my insecurity and that comes with it’s own level, of HURT!!!