There once was a frail girl with a broken soul, who strove for completion

The unattainable goal in itself was merely an impossible destination

One may never recognize the pain that belies this broken girl, who wore a smile

She fought daily to hide the agony from within, it was almost like she was walking an endless mile

So what if those of you don't see the obvious signs that this girl endures a tormented, broken soul

It can't be helped that someone is incapable of hiding the unbearable pain, while trying to maintain control

If one had recognized the pain that this girl had bore, would they have attempted to politely intercede

My guess is, all the help in the World would not make an impact as there's only one who can stop, the internal bleed

Since there's no way that just anyone could ever be a significant factor in the girl's, complicated life

She puts on a brave face and mentally blocks out the one who has caused, the most angst and strife

It's imperative that this fragile girl continues to strive nearer to completion, although it's almost impossible

The damsel in distress fears reaching the end of her destination as the path she traveled, remains incomprehensible

So it goes, if it isn't broken don't fix it.  What if it is broken and you want to fix it, but don't know how?  Leaving it as is isn't always the best method, going forward.

Sometimes the feeling of being broken inside is so intense, you pray internally for any reprieve.  You look back and try to figure out "where did I go wrong?"  Where was the fork in the road that led me down, the wrong path?  It's not always that cut and dry with an answer that's so clear, showing you where you went wrong.  All I know is this, when mistakes are consecutive or "when it rains it pours" concept, how do you keep track.  How does one fix their mistakes when it seems like they just keep on coming, left and right?  At times, it can become taxing trying to fix past mistakes and trying not to repeat them, again.  You can lose sight of it all if you become so wrapped up in, worrying about yesterday.  We all know that what we were yesterday sometimes shapes us of what we may become, tomorrow.  But that doesn't mean that one should become so obsessed with yesterday that they fail to better shape themselves for the future.

I understand that a lot of time has gone by, but I CANNOT come to grips with the following.  Consequently, I will NEVER understand how and/or why, I seem to be trapped within a cycle.  I guess part of it is attributed to the uncertainty of change, good, bad or indifferent.  Whereas I may truly understand the magnitude of my present situation, it still may NOT convince me to take steps toward a better position, for my future.  Alas, whenever you are trapped within a cycle you conspicuously sacrifice, a better tomorrow.  Although change is never easy it's always best to at least attempt, a different path.  I have had many chances and opportunities at a different path, but I always ventured onto the WRONG one.  The paths that were laid out for me were met with certain actors, that were NOT always on the most savory side.  I can't believe that I have this magnetic personality, for drawing in the wrong people.  I sense that my soft, sensitive side is a major part of my personality, that people deem as "weakness" and truly feel that they can take advantage of me!!!  Oh contraire, my foolish little dears, I may be soft and sensitive, but I'm NO FOOL!  It's amazing that no matter how hard you try, you can't win in this World with most people.  If there's two choices you obiously have to select one and no matter which choice you make, someone has something negative and critical to say.  I have tried going down different paths, with different actors, but the results were sadly the same.  I know that life is NOT a bowl of cherries but damn, when you keep getting a bowl of pits, it gets tiresome!!!

  Although there are times when I aspire to change, the alteration is much further out of my grasp.  The road I travel to reach that goal of change, is a voyage that constantly gets harder to trek.  It doesn't matter that I'm on an easy path of change or not, change can be both positive or negative.  Whenever you make a change to either better yourself or to correct a wrong, it also changes good in your life.  You take the good with the bad and the change almost becomes, questionable.  Any minor change let alone a major change, eventually the adjustment eliminates some people from your life.  You almost wish the transformation didn't transpire, in order to safeguard certain people and time in your life.  Every now and then, time is all we have on our side.  Occasionally, time can be a blessing where it makes the heart grow fonder or, from time to time it can be very damaging to the soul.

I have TOO many REGRETS and life won't let me, FORGET them.  Just when I believe I have a handle on one regret, life reminds me of another one.  I don't want to sound as if I'm dwelling on the past, but I don't care what anyone says or likes to convince people of, there are some occurrences in life that you just CAN'T forget!!!  Many occurrences in life whether good, bad or indifferent become a regret that one may not get over.  Of course when we're younger the World appears as our oyster, with NO regrets to encounter.  We may take life for granted or just simply feel that we have the World, by the horns.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but again hindsight is 20-20.  We encounter many people that have lived full, fruitful lives that try to warn and guide us through the difficulty, of making the appropriate decisions.  I laugh as I'm writing this because although I tried to heed to the advice given to me, I wanted my age to stop when I turned eighteen.  I wasn't a drinker so therefore, there was NO need to reach the age of twenty one.  Alas, I was a smoker but back then {not that I'm too old}, you can purchase cigarettes at the age of eighteen.  Which reminds me of a funny story of trying to purchase cigarettes in Florida, when I was twenty four years old.  Oh my God, talk about taking advice and guidance.  Or in this case, taken a compliment and just walking away with it.  No, not me that's NOT what I did.  What I did was walk into the convenience store but I didn't take my pocket book or wallet with me.  I simply walked to the store with the money and didn't give it another thought.  When I got to the counter and asked for a pack of Marlboro Lights, the woman asked me for identification.  I just looked at her and said what, what are you talking about?  I couldn't believe that I was being carded because in New York, I was NEVER carded when buying cigarettes.  She explained that I looked too young to buy cigarettes and in lieu of feeling complimented, I was ANNOYED to the core.  I had to walk all the way back to my Aunt Gertie's house, wake my cousin up and walk all the way back to the store to show her my identification.  My point is there was not only a compliment in this scenario, but a lesson as well.  I believe there was a lesson not only on a personal level but as a citizen old enough, to smoke.  This woman had a job to do and she was doing it well, because if she didn't do her job and I was an uncover police officer, the store could have lost its license had I really been underaged.  She could have also been charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, had I really been underaged.  This is not one of my regrets in life, just a reminder of how when we're young we don't recognize the goodness, or guidance of others.  Actually, this woman and the experience of attempting to purchase cigarettes makes me laugh today and I'll NEVER forget this woman or her attempt to be nice and professional, at her job.  My regrets, unfortunately, are much bigger and shall remain unwritten.  But just when I believe I have encountered the BIGGEST regret of my life, another one is BORN right from my memory bank.  It's not as if it didn't exist before, but sometimes our daily grind bring these regrets to life.  More times than not I feel as if my life is ONE BIG regret, that can play out as a lifetime movie, but with NO happy ending!!!  There are times when I wish my life were a movie, this way I can control the actors {people I'm related to and deal with} and the procession of the script {my existence from birth, every movement up to the time of my death} and of course the best part, the ending!  How many people can actually control and create their own ending, in life?  It has been said that people can control their own destiny and/or, fate.  I believe this to be true to some degree, but not entirely.  I do believe that we're ALL born with a purpose and a specific time of when that purpose, is fulfilled.  It is my belief that we do play a certain percentage, in our own fate.  But this providence begs the question, what happens if I elect to do the opposite of what's expected of me.  Who's to say what's expected of me?  I don't feel that we're all on board with every step and every chance, that we take.  Perhaps we're all dealt a certain hand in life, a hand we're destined NOT to play.  What happens when one folds and decides NOT to play that hand, is it ALL laid out on the line?  Many questions to come with life and with chance, but one thing is for sure.  We only get ONE chance at life, ONE chance at doing it right.  If for nothing else, one should at least do it right for the enjoyment of the experience at life.  For me, there appears to be TOO many regrets at least to deal with, all at once.  When the regrets pile up, how do you organize or differentiate the importance, of that regret?  All I know is, as time goes by one regret does seem less important, as life deals me another blow.  As I try to get a handle on the latest regret, it stirs up old wounds with old pain.  Sometimes the wounds and pain bring tears and it makes me feel weak, because they flow like the Hudson River.  It has been said that tears are not a sign of weakness, but strength.  Could it be that all this pain is tearing into my soul with much weakness, but my tears are building a wall of destruction?  I don't know, it all sounds and feels contradictory to some degree.  I can't grasp the true tenacity of my painful experiences, that appear to teeter at my soul.  All I can do is live each day with as much strength as possible, regardless of any old or new regrets.  I must take these regrets and life my the horns and tackle the extremity of my deepest agony!!!

It's a struggle, but I must relent.  I cannot continue to hold this bitter feeling, deep down in my soul.  I was raised in an Old School household, where you're taught to keep family undercurrents behind closed doors.  I can understand why I was taught to keep things private, for purposes of not airing our dirty laundry.  Alas, keeping your family undercurrents private can have "detrimental consequences," for years to come.  This detriment can be immediate or affect you, years later.  I, at least in my opinion, have been affected both immediately and years later, thus far.  It doesn't matter if someone wants to place upon a brave face and allege, I'm dealing with it.  There are some things in life that are NOT easily manageable, or easy to deal with in any capacity.  It is, in my opinion, that people expect you to get over ANY obstacle in life and make the best of it.  I agree with that plan, just as much as the next guy.  Consequently, there are some things in life that make the deepest cut and because of the depths of injury, it's harder to mask.  Why should anyone be expected to mask an injury?  Are people in life so obtuse, that I must pretend for the sake of their ignorance?  Well, I have done that for years and not so much for people in life, but for people in my life.  I can NO LONGER do it, because my tolerance is much less as I age.  Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not old but when you live a life for OTHERS, you tend to age much faster.  It's almost like you're a life for EVERYONE else, but yourself!!!

How do I mend my BROKEN-SOUL?  No matter how much time goes by, NOTHING and NO ONE changes.  For that, I'm TIRED of laying myself out there and getting HURT.  I have had ENOUGH of being MISTREATED, as I am an adult and I have a good heart.  I don't deserve the mistreatment, that is being dished out to me.  Alas, people have their own agendas and their own aspirations.  Although they may not be on the level, it is what it is and they are who they are and unfortunately, I can't change them.  I can however, change me and what I do in response to what occurs.  Sometimes when I have something in my mind, it doesn't always pan out.  There are times when I plan on responding accordingly, but it may not materialize for many reasons.  Unfortunately, when you are young and surrounded by mistreatment from many angles, it's like conditioning for the future.  It's conditioning that I was NOT on board with or agreed with and I couldn't change it.  Consequently, I was conditioned over the course of MANY YEARS and it's a cycle that's hard to break.  All I could do to this day, is grin and bear it.  As many times as I tried to break it, EVERYONE is resistant to change good, bad or indifferent. I, on the other hand, have had ENOUGH of the dysfunction that I am dealt.  I can NO LONGER wear the happy face, when I'm SAD.  I can NO LONGER wear the BRAVE face, when I'm fearful.  And, I can NO LONGER wear the "I am whole face" when I am BROKEN.

Some people feel there is nothing worse than, not being trusted.  I, however, feel there is NOTHING worse than the trust that's given, is then violated!!!

It makes me WONDER, what it was ALL about from day ONE!  I guess I know exactly what it was about and what their interests were, from DAY ONE!!!  They NEVER loved or cared about Jack, it was ONLY his MONEY they were after, from the VERY start.  There I was giving testimony and although it was honestly and from the heart, I was trying to be as deligate as possible so I didn't HURT, anyone of my so-called siblings. But ALL I got today, is exactly what I have gotten my ENTIRE LIFE and that is arrogance, deceit, lying, nastiness, exclusion, and sadly, BULLYING!  I am SICK and TIRED of these people and including my Mother's other daughter with Jack.  She is NOT only a poor excuse of a daughter and mother, but a sister as well.  Like the other Selvaggio's, she is out for herself and only what is important to her, regardless if it's right or wrong.  If you don't follow her path of deceit and destruction, you are merely If you don't share her likes, dislikes and/or opinion, you are NOT treated fairly.  This family is worse than a "CLICK" that you would find, in a school yard setting.  Yet, it goes beyond the typical click, if there is even a typical click in existence, that's considered to be normal.  It goes beyond the comprehension and mental capacity, of any normal thinking person. Normalcy verses lunacy, is the question.  Why? Because it's NOT normal to need or want to be in attendance to, any presence of a click.  Consequently, my family don't stop at just verbal and mental abuse, they also add physical abuse to the mix.  What is so alarming, is my so-called siblings' ability to teach her son the SAME quality of disrespect, she conducted herself with in life?  Again, she taught her son to share in her opinion and even worse, taught him to be disrespectful to his elders.  Heaven forbid her son like or love somone, that she detests.  If that happened, she would feel as if she were competing with her adversary.  Again, normalcy verses lunacy!  This scenario would only be that of her imagination, with the one she feels is her adversary, I don't care if you like someone or not, it is NOT good parental guidance to teach your children to be disrespectful to anyone, let alone an adult.  He surely master's his teachings from his mother, much like he did his academic teachings from school.  He mocked and disrespected me in front of the very person, who totally disregarded him and committed perjury on a legal document.  But hey, he's learning from the best when he adds his best threat of violence, because he's nothing more than a BROWN NOSE and KISS A*S fool.  His mother is preparing him for the world, as a thug in disguise but with a College Education.  Great job, abuser!  When I say abuser, I don't say that lightly.  I mean you be the judge, okay.  What sister encourages her friend, to assault her very own sibling and stands behind a tree laughing, while it's happening?  An abuser named Maria, that's who.  What sister hits their very own sibling, simply because they spilled something in the microwave?  An abuser named Maria, that's who.  These are only a couple examples of ABUSE, that I had to live with in my meek existence.  The list goes on and on, but I don't feel the need to list each and every incident.  It is immaterial to the fact and quite frankly, I also blame myself.  Certainly NOT for the abuse that I endured, but definitely for taking it for as long as I did.  Not too mention, for EVER wanting ANYTHING to do with her, after they way she treated me.  Understandably, it's hard to break the cycle of abuse but to out right tolerate this cycle of abuse, is incomprehensible.  I am tired of the dysfunction, abuse, exclusion, nastiness, "clicks," and most of all I'm DONE being treated as if I'm a NON ENTITY!

One may question their own mental status, because of treatment done onto them.  But the REAL question is the mental status or a lack thereof, of the abuser.  It takes a truly DEMENTED and EVIL individual, to be an abuser.  I, myself, am NOT an EVIL minded or spirited individual and I don't condone the actions of others, doing it anyone else either.  Alas, we have those who say to themselves, I'm joining the likes of the majority good, bad or indifferent.  I don't know what type of individual I DISLIKE more and with ALL this NEGATIVITY in the mix, it's hard to choose.

I am angry and I am broken, guilty as charged but I got this way, by no fault of my own.  I was made this way, by my so-called siblings and so-called family members.  Maybe I have irreparable damage but ONE thing is for sure, I AM DONE WITH EVERYONE IN THIS SO-CALLED FAMILY!!!

I try so hard to choose life over sadness, but the choice is not an easy one.  Sometimes things are much easier said than done and with that, sadness more times than not, wins out.  While I was growing up, I was a happy person.  For the most part, we were a traditional family and we had trials and tribulations, just like everyone else.  Of coure when I was younger, I didn't psycho-analyze people and situations, as I do today.  So much of what transpired and with whom, went unoticed and unheard.  Although life went on as usual, it's safe to say life registered itself within my mind and within my soul, and I have the scars to prove it.  As life progressed, I experienced more trials and tribulations.  It was hard to nurse the scars that were scraped through my soul, when my earlier scars had not healed as of yet.  My soul became a hot plate, for burning remnants of pain.  Soon, I was consumed by the agony of defeat.  I tried to fake survival, by appearing strong, happy and willful.  Then this emulation soon became the character, within the role I long to be in.  But, I knew in reality I couldn't become this and thought, I was fooling everyone around me.  Alas, there were people that knew me better and knew, I was an emotional person.  There were times when some of those people, played on my emotions.  For the life of me, I couldn't escape this world of sadness and scars.  I felt as if whatever I did good, bad or indifferent, no one appreciated the person I longed to be.  My performance in life was real, but my life was a rehearsal that wasn't cohesive to the true act.  I made it through some rough patches and rough times, which I tried to block out of my mind.  But, no matter how hard we try to ignore the reality of times, the falsified end becomes the result.  One thing that is not falsified, is the cross that I bear on a daily basis.  I carry this cross without premeditation or intent, to the pain it bears.  Yes, it tells a story a tale of a family, not traditional in any sense of the word.  Traditional or not, this story is more like a secret that rips my heart into a million pieces.  It's a secret that must REMAIN untold, in order to protect someone VERY special in my life.  While protecting that special someone, the secret must remain UNTOLD in order to protect myself.  I have suffered enough with this life I was forced to live and I CANNOT live it aymore.  My shoulders are NO LONGER capable of bearing this cross, which has worn me down to a minimal person.  I can NO LONGER keep this secret, while pretending I'm a person who is wanted and loved.  How is one suppose to believe they are wanted and loved, when they are compelled to live this lie?  How is one suppose to believe they are wanted and loved, when they are compelled to accept responsibility for the lie they must live?  At times, this lie and this life I was compelled to live, reduces me to much pain and endless tears.  It's a start of a sad life, commencing into a sad life which then leads to, the end of a sad life.

Another day here on stage, acting out the role of life but trapped within my sadness.  Not once in my life did I encounter a person, who did not disappoint or hurt me.  I guess that's too be expected, when deep down inside, I know that I walk among evil spirited haters.  I have come to learn that it doesn't matter how nice you are or how hard you try to be nice, if someone is a hater they are a hater, period.  Most people today just look at you, don't know a darn thing about you, yet they are haters.  Although I knew most people were haters, I still tried to please them just to be accepted.  Where does the mockery end?  When do people realize that their disposition is bad and they make a change?